I’ll be honest, these first 3.5 months of pregnancy have really tested my strength. I’d love to say that it’s been nothing but magic, sheer joy, and lollipops, but I’d be lying. And then there’s the guilt for not feeling that way all the time, because….heck, there are plenty of people out there who want a baby, but can’t have one….and remember how much you wanted this baby, dreamt of this baby, painted pictures of this baby…..remember how hard those months were when the test was negative?

As deeply appreciative as I feel to be pregnant, the first trimester can be a highly confusing, overly emotional time thanks to the morning sickness, fatigue, an ungodly amount of hormones surging through your body, and the newness of such a BIG life change (and in my case, throw in a few other life transitions like moving to a new state and purchasing my first house) . The experience tests your patience and strength in an entirely new way….and it can be hard to admit your conflicted emotions, because you feel like you should feel differently even though all the baby books and 3 midwives have told you that it’s perfectly normal (to feel overwhelmed/slightly depressed) and to be expected. Sigh. There is so much you don’t expect when you get pregnant, no matter how many pregnant friends have told you stories, no matter how many baby/pregnancy books you’ve read and no matter how much insane research you’ve done online (I honestly feel like I should just become a midwife or OBGYN with the amount of research I’ve done and knowledge I’ve gained both pre- and post-conception on the subject—I’m an information junky in a big way).

I know it will get better, and it already is day by day, but I suddenly found myself wishing the walls of my house were plastered with motivational words this morning….little friendly reminders as I sprint crawl toward the finish line (which at the moment is the 2nd trimester honeymoon phase).