The following post was written by Alex, my dear husband. Thanks, Alex!
As head chef in my household, I am required to vacillate between the role of Macgyver and head of a psychiatric ward. This combination leads to a certain schizophrenia behind the oven that I will try to explain here.
To help illustrate, imagine the following sequence: put water in the baby food maker, save Emerson from near electrocution from computer cord, open baby oatmeal only to realize the measuring spoon is in the dishwasher, swipe Emerson’s mouth to recover bits of colored cardboard from the cereal box she stole out of the recycling bin, eyeball the measurements on the baby oatmeal and put in baby food maker, snatch Emerson as she grabs a handful of plaster off of the injured kitchen wall, (curse lightly under breath), wash pot for big people oatmeal, open cupboard five times at the eager instruction (points and says, “that”) of Emerson, turn light on and off with similar instruction, pull steaming hot jar out of baby food maker while burning hand, put water in big people oatmeal pan, unload a few dishes from dishwasher, offer Emerson a bite of baby oats that she refuses pointing to a tube of lanolin instead, offer lanolin to Emerson, offer oatmeal again this time successfully, snatch lid off big people pot as water boils over, get canister of big people oats only to realize it’s empty, feed Emerson a bite, run to pantry for more oats, open with scissors, feed Emerson another bite, spoon big people oats into violently boiling pot, offer Emerson another bite that she swats away with tube of lanolin spraying the counter with chunks of oatmeal…This is the easiest meal of the day. Lunch and dinner are far more challenging….
My culinary schizophrenia is a result of the two ladies I love more than anything in the world, the profiles of which I will explore below. I will leave you to guess who is who.
Patient A
Is apparently allergic to wheat, corn, walnuts, pecans, soy, and occasionally, pea pesto. Refuses dairy, chocolate, caffeine, red meat, pork, shell fish, anything overcooked or undercooked, mixed accidentally with another food group or tainted by improper food preparation. We’re just getting warmed up here…. Doesn’t enjoy Brussels sprouts, cabbage, fiddle heads or anything at all exotic, collards or any bitter greens aside from Kale, won’t accept rhubarb, root vegetables, radishes, water chestnuts (just forget about it), apricots, blackberries, currants, cherries, dates, figs, honeydew melon, nectarines, pears, or tangerines. Occasionally, she will accept clementines, blueberries, and strawberries, but only if in season. Greens must be doused with salt, pepper and garlic to be consumed, and pasta must be slathered with no less than half a cup of legitimate (legitimate) olive oil. All, repeat ALL dishes must be served separately, and all condiments must be served on the side. Everything must be organic, especially the dirty dozen, though “clean fifteen” still vaguely suspected. The kicker: gets tired of routine meals quickly…. Needs frequent variety.
Patient B
Known allergies to dairy and coconut. Will only eat with best friend, a singing dog, serenading her and 1-2 other toys to play with while eating. Refuses bib. Occasionally will only eat if allowed to feed herself, thereby sullying chair, table, eating apparatus, and everything else in missile range. If patient sees, smells, or suspects the presence of buttered toast, will refuse to eat anything but said toast. Likes peas but only if they aren’t mashed, likes blueberries but only if dried. Caution: will eat any packaging included, accidentally or otherwise. Will eat healthy portions of dirt, dried leaves, flowers, or bits of plastic, rock, and last week’s meals left on the floor (note irony). Distracted easily, entrees soon turn into toys of mass destruction. Use extreme caution. Kickers: Eats frequently and at odd hours. Will poop herself without warning mid-meal.
