Birth and death—the bookends of life. Each experience has such opposite connotations and emotions attached to it, yet somehow they seem intertwined. The utter beginning and utter end, the circle of life, both so surreal in nature.
I buried my Uncle last week (which is why I haven’t been posting), and have found my mind riddled with complicated thoughts ever since. Somehow experiencing this loss while 8 1/2 months pregnant made everything feel so much more intense, profound and symbolic. During such a great period of joy for me, at the very brink of bringing a brand new life into the world, my Uncle was lying in a bed at the very end of his life. He took his last breath and my child is about to take her first. I couldn’t make sense of it…not that anyone can when it comes to death. It was simply bizarre to be standing at a funeral, worried I was about to go into labor.
My due date also happens to be two days before my deceased mother’s birthday—another contradiction of emotions. In a way, I feel like all this commingling of birth and death is a testament to life in general. With the brightness comes darkness, one cannot exist without the other, just as death cannot exist without birth. As much as we may resist or dislike one end of the spectrum, the existence of these opposites enriches life and cultivates gratitude. I know that the beautiful life inside of me feels all the more sacred and blessed having just experienced the loss of another beautiful life. And I completely believe that my mother had a hand in bringing this baby to me on (or near) a day that in the past brought me sorrow—she was always one to remind me of life’s joy in the face of pain, she would want to transform mourning into celebration.
“Man’s feelings are always purest and most glowing in the hour of meeting and of farewell.” ~Jean Paul Richter
Author Archives: amerrill
34 weeks
Life right now can be summed up into one word: a scramble. I realized the other night that I really could give birth at any time—it’s not as likely to happen, but it could. It’s happened to friends of mine this early and that’s enough to enter it into my brain as a possibility. Chances are I will carry to full-term and probably be complaining, right here, in about 6-7 weeks about how it still hasn’t happened. The unpredictability of birth is what keeps me up at nights, though. “Most likely” and “typical for first time mothers” aren’t enough to make me chill out. And so, Alex and I have jam-packed the next two weeks (he’s off of work) with appointments, errands, projects….what my husband likes to call “settling scores.” “We’re settling old scores, settling scores” is what he keeps muttering under his breath around the house. Given how furiously we’re trying to have everything handled by week 36, I bet baby girl will decide to come around week 42 instead….because that’s the way life happens.
photo friday
16. something new
Newborn baby Cash |
Newborn baby Helene |
Boston Public Library |
Time does not exist here. |
Tea cup wisdom. |
The last cup of coffee I had as a daily drinker…2 years ago! |
19. something you hate to do
Wash dishes while camping. Damn collapsable sink is not my friend. |
I seem to change homes/apartments/states every few years, but I absolutely hate moving. |
20. handwriting
My girl Nat writing with sparklers. |
A little piece of wisdom I found written on an alley wall in Burlington, VT. |
pregnancy survival kit
13. I use the belly butter in the morning, and the stretch mark firming version of it at night. It’s not nearly as moisturizing, but I like to think it’s keeping things nice and firm. I do notice my belly looks nice and healthy after applying this.
15. As much as I LOVE the Dr. Hauschka cleanser, the one drawback is how expensive it is. To make the bottle last longer, I only use it at night and supplement with Neutrogena Fresh Foaming Cleanser in the morning. It’s dirt cheap at $4 and extremely mild—it does not irritate and is great at keeping your skin clear. It’s not natural, which bothers me, but the list of ingredients is pretty short so I’ve made my peace with it.
16. Another favorite from Hauschka: Quince day cream. It’s very soothing, light, doesn’t cause breakouts and makes your skin absolutely glow. I normally don’t suffer from dry skin, but during pregnancy it’s been pretty dry and itchy.
25. In the beginning, I read a ton of books. Too many. I found myself confused by too many opinions, frightening stories, and descriptions of horrible complications I was likely to never experience. This book is absolutely delightful. Half of the pages contain beautiful, inspiring, encouraging stories of childbirth and the rest provides useful/helpful information for pregnancy and birth that doesn’t scare or confuse. It left me feeling empowered and totally capable of giving birth.
26. All the Dr. Sears books are great. I say if you want to know what’s going on inside your body (and your baby’s) during pregnancy, keep it simple. This book is simple and, like the Ina May book, doesn’t scare.
33 weeks
Did you know that a woman’s brain cell volume actually shrinks while she’s pregnant? I am well aware of that fact. I thought I was forgetful and easily confused earlier in my pregnancy, but woah, this is a whole new level. I’m shocked I can still write an entire blog post in full sentences, because it sometimes feels impossible to communicate my ideas aloud. Words escape me, ideas escape me, what I did 5 minutes ago escapes me. This is particularly frustrating for a woman who, previously, had an iron clad memory. I will normally remember conversations and events in their entirety, even 10 years after-the-fact. I remember faces forever and what you wore last Monday. And because of this, I am the one in charge of being on top of important household information—when the bills need to be paid, birthdays, appointments, when my husband’s clothes last made it to the dry cleaner, finding all missing items, scheduling maintenance. Now, I cannot even be trusted with the grocery shopping. I go in with a list in hand, which seems like it’d be enough given everything we need is written out right in front of my face. But, no. So, I took to circling, starring and underlining critical items or items that I’d forgotten to pick up last time. But, no. I black out halfway through the aisles. I go back because I know I forgot something on the absolute opposite side of the store. I don’t know why I’ve gone back. I waddle, holding my heavy baby belly, to the other side…..damn it…..what am I doing? And then I give up and leave with whatever made it into the cart. I love this baby, and want her to cook as long as she needs to, but damn, I cannot wait to have my brain back (amongst other things)!
photo friday
Tragedy befell me this week….my camera broke! Given I live 45 minutes away from anyone who can fix it, and I’m completely exhausted by the end of pregnancy, I have no idea when I’ll get it fixed. But, I didn’t want to give up on my photo challenge, so this week I selected two photos from the past to compensate for the lack of present day photos. Here it goes…
11. makes you happy
Being out in the wilderness with my hubby (who is in the back of this canoe). |
The fall season. |
The empty walk-in closet in our old apartment where my husband proposed to me. |
Walk-in closet, how I miss thee. |
The highway into Vail, Colorado. |
Blue flowers. Obvs. |
I left my heart in… |
My sister-in-law’s pregnant belly. |
15. phone
Polka dot phone at happy hour…ages ago. |
My man on the phone (when we first moved in together, aww). |
32 weeks
Baby shower repeat. I am running really low on energy (and clean clothes:) right now so I haven’t taken my weekly photos. |
baby brunch
Adorable craft project for guests: have people cut out little creatures from cloth and affix them to onesies. |
Never thought I’d see my father enjoy an afternoon of baby crafts. So cute. |
The baby wearing the t-shirt made for her by the ever-creative 4-yr-old Zella. |
Gluten-free spice cake with buttercream frosting. Amaaaaazing! |
photo friday
The second week of my photo challenge…
6. dinner:
A gluten-free spinach gruyere quiche I made last summer. |
My favorite side dish: baked sweet potato fries with garlic mayo dipping sauce. |
My pre-pregnancy belly button |
I have an awfully sizable box of buttons in my linen closet…yet I don’t think I’ve ever replaced or repaired a button. Hmm… |
8. sun:
I took this in my father-in-law’s backyard 4 summers ago. |
What I’ve been looking at all winter: a sunless sky. |
9. front door:
Front door…to a POW prison. The Headlands, San Francisco. |
Front door knocker. |
10. self portrait:
Taken about 4 years ago. |
Tired mama eyes. |
31 weeks
My father came to visit yesterday. He hasn’t seen me since I was about 8 weeks pregnant given he lives in California and was recovering from knee surgery for months and couldn’t travel. Needless to say, I look pretty different than I did when he saw me back in September…..different than the little girl he sees in his head when he looks at me. And it was exciting and emotional to share this version of myself with him.
All the conversations my father and I have had over the past 8 months about
baby girls, pregnancy, and parenting have bonded us in such a new way. My father can’t help but constantly tell stories of holding me in his arms the day I was born or carrying me everywhere he went in the baby sling….and I can’t get enough of hearing them. As he anticipates his first grandchild, it is as if he is anticipating the rebirth of the baby that he had to let go of so long ago. And for me, the emotional transition from individual to mama and falling in love with the little one that squirms inside my body, has deepened my appreciation for my father and shifted my perspective on his reluctance to let me go (all my life) from annoyance to understanding. I’ve yet to hold my own baby girl in my arms, but I can tell you emphatically that I know I will not want to let her go. Ever. I cry at any mention of kids going off to college and my baby hasn’t even left the womb.
It’s an interesting experience, becoming a parent in your own parent’s presence. I sometimes feel as though I want to simultaneously jump back in time and forward. In fact, that’s exactly how I feel right now as I write this, sobbing, thinking about my father….thinking about how hard it is for him to be 3,000 miles away from his children, thinking about how heartbreaking that would be for me if this baby decides one day that she has to give the west coast a whirl too…thinking about how quickly the phase of parenthood/childhood that my father is reliving and telling tales of right now slips past you. But, that is life. Wonderful, beautiful, emotional life. All I can do is hug my father when he’s here and try to live one day at a time with my baby girl (when she finally arrives), giving her all the mama love I can while she lives and grows up just down the hall from me. Could I be any more hormonal today?!?!
On a lighter note, I found one of my pre-pregnancy hippie shirts at the bottom of my drawer today…mysteriously tucked in beneath the heap of large, elastic maternity shirts, wondering where its former, slender, hipper roommates have gone. Before I put it in my someday-I-will-fit-into-these-again storage box, I thought I would see if I could get the sucker on….mostly because I miss my free-spirted old style, but also because I thought it would be funny to see my rotund belly peaking out of the slit down the front that used to be sexy….used to display flat abs and low-slung skinny jeans. My how things have changed…