birth and death

Birth and death—the bookends of life. Each experience has such opposite connotations and emotions attached to it, yet somehow they seem intertwined. The utter beginning and utter end, the circle of life, both so surreal in nature. 


I buried my Uncle last week (which is why I haven’t been posting), and have found my mind riddled with complicated thoughts ever since. Somehow experiencing this loss while 8 1/2 months pregnant made everything feel so much more intense, profound and symbolic. During such a great period of joy for me, at the very brink of bringing a brand new life into the world, my Uncle was lying in a bed at the very end of his life. He took his last breath and my child is about to take her first. I couldn’t make sense of it…not that anyone can when it comes to death. It was simply bizarre to be standing at a funeral, worried I was about to go into labor.


My due date also happens to be two days before my deceased mother’s birthday—another contradiction of emotions. In a way, I feel like all this commingling of birth and death is a testament to life in general. With the brightness comes darkness, one cannot exist without the other, just as death cannot exist without birth. As much as we may resist or dislike one end of the spectrum, the existence of these opposites enriches life and cultivates gratitude. I know that the beautiful life inside of me feels all the more sacred and blessed having just experienced the loss of another beautiful life. And I completely believe that my mother had a hand in bringing this baby to me on (or near) a day that in the past brought me sorrow—she was always one to remind me of life’s joy in the face of pain, she would want to transform mourning into celebration.


“Man’s feelings are always purest and most glowing in the hour of meeting and of farewell.” ~Jean Paul Richter

34 weeks


Life right now can be summed up into one word: a scramble. I realized the other night that I really could give birth at any time—it’s not as likely to happen, but it could. It’s happened to friends of mine this early and that’s enough to enter it into my brain as a possibility. Chances are I will carry to full-term and probably be complaining, right here, in about 6-7 weeks about how it still hasn’t happened. The unpredictability of birth is what keeps me up at nights, though. “Most likely” and “typical for first time mothers” aren’t enough to make me chill out. And so, Alex and I have jam-packed the next two weeks (he’s off of work) with appointments, errands, projects….what my husband likes to call “settling scores.” “We’re settling old scores, settling scores” is what he keeps muttering under his breath around the house. Given how furiously we’re trying to have everything handled by week 36, I bet baby girl will decide to come around week 42 instead….because that’s the way life happens.
I’ve been making room for baby girl all over the house. It’s a strange feeling…almost like moving in with a boyfriend—emptying a drawer here, clearing off a shelf there, filling each room with items that he might enjoy…wondering how we’re going to share this space that used to be all mine. Suddenly, there are baby bottles where the coffee mugs used to be, a blue, rubber whale covering the water faucet in the shower staring at me as I soap up, swinging and bouncing chairs mixed in with our living room furniture, nipple cream on my nightstand, teeny tiny socks lying at the bottom of my dryer. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m preparing for a super important celebrity to move in—as if this baby is going to notice that I’ve dusted all the window sills and organized all the closets.
In my heart, I do feel like this tiny new roommate is a celebrity. I can’t imagine anyone else whose presence I’d be more in awe of, anyone I’d rather meet, anyone I’d fawn over as much as I know I will this little girl. I would honestly be calm in the face of preparing to meet Ryan Gosling or Natalie Portman, I’d feel totally normal about walking into the Oval Office to meet the President, I wouldn’t scream or pass out if Phish invited me backstage after a concert. But, baby girl….I’ve already started the fan club and planned the parade.

photo friday

My camera is still broken….woah is me….so I will continue to use shots from my archives for my photo challenge.

 16. something new


Newborn baby Cash

Newborn baby Helene
17. time
Boston Public Library
Time does not exist here.
18. drink 
Tea cup wisdom.

The last cup of coffee I had as a daily drinker…2 years ago!

 19. something you hate to do


Wash dishes while camping. Damn collapsable
sink is not my friend.

I seem to change homes/apartments/states
every few years, but I absolutely hate moving.

 20. handwriting


My girl Nat writing with sparklers.

A little piece of wisdom I found written on an
alley wall in Burlington, VT.

pregnancy survival kit

I think each and every woman deserves a medal for surviving pregnancy….and a handbook on how to do so at the start of it. This is far from a handbook on how to survive all the changes to your body, emotions, and life, but I thought it’d be fun to put together, because I am insane about my products….and even more insane about the thorough research and seriousness which I bring to all my decisions no matter how large or small the purchase. I read hundreds of reviews, I compare prices, I try things out and return them—I have a knack for finding products that have the highest customer reviews at the most reasonable price, all while being a quality purchase. A great majority of my choices are also eco-friendly and/or non-toxic. This list is a little different in that I did include some more expensive items, but sometimes, when you are pregnant, you splurge (or find someone to buy you a gift;). So, here is a list of my favorite pregnancy survival products…

1. You may not be able to “cure” morning sickness, but you can alleviate it to some degree. Enter, preggie pop drops. They contain all natural ingredients and a cocktail of essential oils and aromatherapy to help combat nausea. I prefer the drops as opposed to the lollipops—they come in more palatable flavors (IMHO) and are easier to eat. They are also supposed to be great during labor for a quick burst of energy or to help with nausea. 


2. Ginger is another morning sickness helper. I eventually developed an aversion to the taste of ginger, but in the beginning I relied on ginger chews and ginger tea, both of which I found helpful.


3. This is probably one of those strange items you see hanging out on the end of an aisle at Whole Foods and wonder who uses them and why. Well, it saved my life during the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. Luckily I already owned one (yes, I’m the person who buys those random, curious items). The purpose of this contraption is to rid your mouth of bacteria by scraping it off your tongue, but the bonus is that it also “erases” all tastes from your mouth which is a wonderful thing when your mouth tastes like puke even after you brush your teeth, or as a preemptive strike against vomiting when you have a taste in your mouth that your body is in the middle of violently rejecting (happens all day long when you have morning sickness).  


 4. Yet another morning sickness helper: sea-bands. I found these relatively helpful—sometimes I felt a bit of relief when wearing them, sometimes it didn’t change a damn thing. But, you’ll take all the help you can get during your first trimester. I wore these nearly 24 hours a day for months.



 5. Ahhh, the Snoogle. I cannot live without it! I started using this very early on (from about 7 weeks) since I had one lying around that my sister-in-law had given me. Even before I had a sizable belly, I was so uncomfortable in bed. This pillow helps alleviate the back pain, hip pain, aching knees and aching belly that are so common during pregnancy. I also put a regular pillow in the center of it to support my belly, which I find incredibly important. 


6. One of the unexpected pregnancy ailments I’ve struggle with big time is the overabundance of mucous one’s body tends to manufacture while pregnant. I go through a minimum of two boxes of tissues per week, and on occasion have gone through an entire box in 24 hours. It’s crazy. But, this problem is compounded by incredibly dry nasal passages, which (can) lead to pain and blood. My midwife suggested this natural nasal spray which seems to help (in combination with the rest of my nasal ailment arsenal).  


7. Another big help in the nasal department is a neti pot. I’ve been using a neti pot for years and love it, but I love it even more now. It flushes out your sinuses, helps break up and release all that mucous, and is incredibly soothing. (I have also inlisted the help of a humidifier recently as the problem only gets worse as your pregnancy progresses, ugh, but I haven’t found a humidifier I love yet) 


8. I’ve tried a few different maternity tanks/camis and none of them compare to the Gap Pure Body collection. These are silky soft, flattering and really grow with you. All the other tanks I own have already long passed their expiration dates so wearing them now means showing off the bottom half of my baby bump, exposing my breasts or just plain not flattering my body. The ruching on the sides of the Gap tanks really lets you wear them for the majority of your pregnancy. I’ve been wearing mine since about 16 weeks and still have plenty of room left.



9. Oh, these yoga pants! I wear them for everything because they are like heaven against a pregnant woman’s body. The material is so super soft with just the right amount of hip-hugging, falling into a wider leg. Super flattering. Much cuter than they appear in this photo. I think these will be great during the postpartum months as well.



10. I cannot live without leggings as a pregnant woman. They are great in the beginning when maternity pants look ridiculous on you, but your uterus is bloated enough to be uncomfortable and you don’t fit into your old pants. I could not handle anything with buttons or zippers during that time, ouch…so tender. But, these leggings will last your whole pregnancy too, which is great. I prefer these under-the-belly leggings by Hedi Klum—better quality than the others I’ve bought and I find it a relief to not always wear pants with a tight panel covering my entire abdomen. These are another item I think will be useful postpartum.  



11. Why in the world would I ever need a sleep bra? I did not know until the woman at the maternity store insisted I buy one, which I did, and I’ve worn it every single night since. Somehow it helps. In the first half of pregnancy your chest is so sore and uncomfortable….and then those girls just start to grow….and grow. This bra makes sleeping so much more comfortable, plus it doubles as a nursing bra later on down the line.



12. What pregnant woman is without a tub of belly lotion? When it came to choosing a belly butter I was adamant that it be natural (free of parabens, etc)— your skin is your largest organ and whatever you put on it is absorbed into your body. I don’t like the idea of the carcinogens present in standard lotion being passed to my baby. It can be difficult to find natural lotions that are effective, but this one really is—it’s kept my belly in great shape. Plus, it’s super affordable.

13. I use the belly butter in the morning, and the stretch mark firming version of it at night. It’s not nearly as moisturizing, but I like to think it’s keeping things nice and firm. I do notice my belly looks nice and healthy after applying this.




14. I am a HUGE Dr. Hauschka fan in general, but I am even more in love with their products as a pregnant woman. This cleanser is perfect for the combination of skin ailments I’ve suffered over the course of pregnancy. It keeps your skin clear during those hormonal first few months and soothed and moisturized when dryness and irritation hit.

Cleansing Milk

15. As much as I LOVE the Dr. Hauschka cleanser, the one drawback is how expensive it is. To make the bottle last longer, I only use it at night and supplement with Neutrogena Fresh Foaming Cleanser in the morning. It’s dirt cheap at $4 and extremely mild—it does not irritate and is great at keeping your skin clear. It’s not natural, which bothers me, but the list of ingredients is pretty short so I’ve made my peace with it.


16. Another favorite from Hauschka: Quince day cream. It’s very soothing, light, doesn’t cause breakouts and makes your skin absolutely glow. I normally don’t suffer from dry skin, but during pregnancy it’s been pretty dry and itchy.




17. This product is great as a mask—it’s soothes, clears things up and evens skin tone—but during pregnancy I’ve used it as an overnight spot treatment for acne (as the instructions suggested). The first trimester absolutely ruined my complexion and it’s a major bummer when you can’t use anything to clear it up. This, however, is all natural and really heals zits. I bought the small, travel size to save money and it’s plenty big—I’ve barely put a dent in it 33 weeks later.


18. Another common skin problem during pregnancy is blotchy, red skin. It’s very sensitive and made worse by sunlight. A SPF is necessary for any time spent outdoors or you can end up with what they call “the mask of pregnancy.” Not attractive. This product is natural and does not cause breakouts. Love. it.


19. To help hide those hormonal breakouts or blotchy patches in the first trimester, enter the Haushchka cover stick. It also works really well at healing skin issues and zapping zits. My skin actually looks better after a day of wearing makeup thanks to this product.

20. I’ve never been a foundation wearer, but given all the skin issues I’ve mentioned so far, it’s been a must. Like the Hauschka cover stick, this foundation actually improves the condition of my irritated skin. It’s super gentle and light. I use it to even out the redness in my skin and it’s perfect for just that.


21. Most of my skin issues cleared up when I hit the second trimester, the time when your skin is supposed to “glow.” However, the one issue that persists is the darkness under my eyes. I always look super tired, and have had noticeable veins appear under my eyes that have not gone away. This natural concealer provides heavy coverage without looking it. It also contains natural antiaging/antiwrinkle ingredients (safe during pregnancy), which is great for fine lines around the eyes.


22. The weight of my uterus and stretching ligaments have plagued me since about 20 weeks. I find it incredibly difficult to be on my feet, do housework, or go for walks. I just bought this maternity belt, which helps support some of the weight and alleviates back and hip pain. Should’ve purchased it long ago! Ahh, relief.


23. I definitely recommend investing in maternity underwear at the very beginning of pregnancy. I found that almost immediately after conceiving, the area beneath my underwear elastic band became incredibly tender and bloated (and sometimes even painful to the touch). I thought buying a larger size underwear would be enough, but it really doesn’t help. Maternity underwear are cut really low in the front so they sit underneath your belly, but have more room in the rear for that extra junk in the truck your are sure to sprout.


24. My husband bought me a chair massager for Christmas. At first I was skeptical and preferred my husband’s nightly “real” massages, but this Brookstone find (I have a different one than pictured below, but they no longer sell mine) has been a god send. I still get the real deal from the hubs, but I use this at least once or twice daily as well. Such a great thing to have around when your back is constantly aching.


25. In the beginning, I read a ton of books. Too many. I found myself confused by too many opinions, frightening stories, and descriptions of horrible complications I was likely to never experience. This book is absolutely delightful. Half of the pages contain beautiful, inspiring, encouraging stories of childbirth and the rest provides useful/helpful information for pregnancy and birth that doesn’t scare or confuse. It left me feeling empowered and totally capable of giving birth.


26. All the Dr. Sears books are great. I say if you want to know what’s going on inside your body (and your baby’s) during pregnancy, keep it simple. This book is simple and, like the Ina May book, doesn’t scare.



27. There are so many choices to make during pregnancy and childbirth. Why not take responsibility for them and decide for yourself instead of having some doctor decide for you? This book presents all your choices and the pros and cons so you can make truly informed decisions.


Your favorite yummy treat, a doting husband/partner, a support system of women who share your beliefs about pregnancy/childbirth and a few girlfriends to vent to about all your pregnancy woes also don’t hurt!

xo

33 weeks

Did you know that a woman’s brain cell volume actually shrinks while she’s pregnant? I am well aware of that fact. I thought I was forgetful and easily confused earlier in my pregnancy, but woah, this is a whole new level. I’m shocked I can still write an entire blog post in full sentences, because it sometimes feels impossible to communicate my ideas aloud. Words escape me, ideas escape me, what I did 5 minutes ago escapes me. This is particularly frustrating for a woman who, previously, had an iron clad memory. I will normally remember conversations and events in their entirety, even 10 years after-the-fact. I remember faces forever and what you wore last Monday. And because of this, I am the one in charge of being on top of important household information—when the bills need to be paid, birthdays, appointments, when my husband’s clothes last made it to the dry cleaner, finding all missing items, scheduling maintenance. Now, I cannot even be trusted with the grocery shopping. I go in with a list in hand, which seems like it’d be enough given everything we need is written out right in front of my face. But, no. So, I took to circling, starring and underlining critical items or items that I’d forgotten to pick up last time. But, no. I black out halfway through the aisles. I go back because I know I forgot something on the absolute opposite side of the store. I don’t know why I’ve gone back. I waddle, holding my heavy baby belly, to the other side…..damn it…..what am I doing? And then I give up and leave with whatever made it into the cart. I love this baby, and want her to cook as long as she needs to, but damn, I cannot wait to have my brain back (amongst other things)!

I’ve been in bed for the majority of the last week. I am also someone who, previously, detested naps. Seriously. I would not take them, even if I was exhausted. I had all the time in the world to take naps then—no one was dancing on my bladder to wake me up, my aching body didn’t get in the way of falling asleep, I didn’t have a million things on my brain that needed to get done in what felt like a ticking-time-bomb-of-a-situation. But, I hated to sleep, refused to waste my daytime, found it pointless. Now, I live to sleep. My previous self is unfortunately still tucked away somewhere inside me, screaming and flailing her arms, appalled at all this sleep going on, but she is no match for a pregnant woman in her third trimester. So, I pull on my sleep mask, pretend it’s a reasonable time of day to sleep, and hug my body pillow more than I hug my husband. The real problem is my boom and bust way of life. I need to sleep for an entire week because the week prior I barely let myself sit down. I’ve noticed I need a solid 2.5 days to recover after one day of activity. Oh, pregnancy.

Time is certainly starting to pass by at an alarming rate. I had to check my own blog last night to confirm that I was, in fact, 33 weeks, because it felt impossible to be that far along. I am now just 3 weeks away from what my midwives consider “safe to deliver” with them. It’s not technically full-term in the medical world, but it does mark the beginning of the window in which I may deliver normally (and the way I want to: with my midwives). Meanwhile, that thought is frightening. There is still so much to do and my mind needs a little bit more time to prepare. My body, on the other hand, is plenty ready to get this baby OUT.
It’s strange being so far into pregnancy that it feels like it’s become the new “normal,” as if this is the way I’ll always feel and function. One would think those other 30 years of my life would outweigh these 10 months, but at this point I honestly forget what it’s like to be inside that non-pregnant body. I forget what it’s like to be able to run down the stairs, skipping every step but 3, not holding onto the railing. I forget what it’s like to sleep through the night….an entire night, from the time I hit the sheets until it’s time to get up, never opening my eyes in between, never wincing in pain in the wee hours, never wondering if I just peed myself. I forget what it’s like to pack my days with as much activity as possible instead of trying to schedule what used to be one day’s worth of activities over the course of an ENTIRE month, because that’s all I can physically handle before my feet give out, my uterus tightens in one Braxton Hicks after the other, my back feels like someone’s shoving knives down my spine and I will just fall asleep wherever I am. I forget what it feels like to be skinny, to wear bikinis, to not need a bra, to be the big spoon while spooning with my husband, to have abdominal muscles. I forget what it’s like to be wild, to stay up all night doing things I’d probably be better off not doing, to dance until I am dripping in sweat, to wear mini skirts and backless halter tops, to not have a 5-year plan.
I can’t believe in a matter of weeks I will begin my journey back to my former body….well, a slightly altered version of it at least. But, my life, will be forever altered and those other some-odd 30 years will remain a distant memory that no longer feel real.

photo friday

Tragedy befell me this week….my camera broke! Given I live 45 minutes away from anyone who can fix it, and I’m completely exhausted by the end of pregnancy, I have no idea when I’ll get it fixed. But, I didn’t want to give up on my photo challenge, so this week I selected two photos from the past to compensate for the lack of present day photos. Here it goes…


11. makes you happy


Being out in the wilderness with my hubby (who is
in the back of this canoe).

The fall season.

12. inside your closet

The empty walk-in closet in our old apartment where
my husband proposed to me.

Walk-in closet, how I miss thee.

13. blue

The highway into Vail, Colorado.

Blue flowers. Obvs.

14. heart

I left my heart in… 
My sister-in-law’s pregnant belly.

15. phone


Polka dot phone at happy hour…ages ago.
My man on the phone (when we first
moved in together, aww).

32 weeks

Baby shower repeat.
I am running really low on energy
(and clean clothes:) right now so I haven’t
taken my weekly photos.
At 32 weeks I find myself…nervous. I’m sitting here on the cusp of two experiences that are so completely new and intense—childbirth and parenthood—that no amount of preparation could possibly alleviate all my nerves. Sure, I’ve done an insane amount of “preparation,” but how can you really prepare for such things? You can’t. They happen the way they’re going to happen, unfolding as unique experiences that no book or class or friend who’s been through it can predict with any certainty. I can visualize labor and birth all I want, but the actual sensations and emotions of that day will remain a mystery, a guess, a theory, until I’m in the thick of it. And my husband and I can daydream all day about what our little girl will be like, what our life will look like with her in it, how we will handle this enormous transition, but in the back of my head I know the reality will be much different than what I anticipate. So, I’m nervous.
I also find myself clinging to my husband in our final months as a twosome. As intensely as I already love this baby, it’s hard to imagine sharing my life with more than one person. I’m so used to my husband, our dynamic, our routines, the messes he makes. I really can’t wrap my brain around all of that changing. I look over my shoulder to the backseat as we drive to the grocery store and try to imagine a wiggly little person in a car seat…..I look around the restaurant on date night, trying to imagine my child sleeping in her carrier or wailing in the middle of the main course….I listen for the cries of the future that will interrupt every attempted kiss between my husband and I. Meanwhile, somewhere beyond all my nerves, there is a voice that assures me that I will be in bliss when this crazy journey finally begins.
All I can do at this point is try to be present, to live one day at a time, which is an interesting thing to attempt when you feel stuck between two worlds.

baby brunch

We had our pre-baby brunch this weekend and I couldn’t feel any more blessed right now. We enjoyed the afternoon with the most lovely, small group of family and friends, eating scrumptious food and insane pastries. I’m truly overwhelmed by how much effort and love was put into this shower…thank you to everyone who pitched in to make the day absolutely perfect! The interesting thing is, Alex and I feel better prepared for parenthood after this event. Not just because of the generous gifts, but because we felt so much love and support, so much shared excitement and joy for our new little addition, and so much guidance from all the veterans in our life (thanks for the long discussion on potential nipple ailments and the cloth diapering demo, ladies!). xo 

Adorable craft project for guests:
have people cut out little creatures
from cloth and affix them to onesies.

Never thought I’d see my father enjoy an afternoon
of baby crafts. So cute.

The baby wearing the t-shirt made
for her by the ever-creative
4-yr-old Zella.

Gluten-free spice cake with buttercream frosting.
Amaaaaazing!

photo friday

The second week of my photo challenge

6. dinner:

Past
A gluten-free spinach gruyere quiche I made
last summer.
Present
My favorite side dish: baked sweet potato fries with
garlic mayo dipping sauce.
7. button:
Past
My pre-pregnancy belly button
Present
I have an awfully sizable box of buttons in my
linen closet…yet I don’t think I’ve ever replaced or
repaired a button. Hmm…

8. sun:

Past
I took this in my father-in-law’s backyard 
4 summers ago.

Present
What I’ve been looking at all winter: a sunless sky.

9. front door:

Past
Front door…to a POW prison. 
The Headlands, San Francisco.
Present
Front door knocker.

10. self portrait:

Past
Taken about 4 years ago.
Present
Tired mama eyes.

31 weeks

 

My father came to visit yesterday. He hasn’t seen me since I was about 8 weeks pregnant given he lives in California and was recovering from knee surgery for months and couldn’t travel. Needless to say, I look pretty different than I did when he saw me back in September…..different than the little girl he sees in his head when he looks at me. And it was exciting and emotional to share this version of myself with him.

All the conversations my father and I have had over the past 8 months about
baby girls, pregnancy, and parenting have bonded us in such a new way. My father can’t help but constantly tell stories of holding me in his arms the day I was born or carrying me everywhere he went in the baby sling….and I can’t get enough of hearing them. As he anticipates his first grandchild, it is as if he is anticipating the rebirth of the baby that he had to let go of so long ago. And for me, the emotional transition from individual to mama and falling in love with the little one that squirms inside my body, has deepened my appreciation for my father and shifted my perspective on his reluctance to let me go (all my life) from annoyance to understanding. I’ve yet to hold my own baby girl in my arms, but I can tell you emphatically that I know I will not want to let her go. Ever. I cry at any mention of kids going off to college and my baby hasn’t even left the womb.

There is a quote painted on the bathroom wall at my midwives’ office that says: “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” That about sums it up.

It’s an interesting experience, becoming a parent in your own parent’s presence. I sometimes feel as though I want to simultaneously jump back in time and forward. In fact, that’s exactly how I feel right now as I write this, sobbing, thinking about my father….thinking about how hard it is for him to be 3,000 miles away from his children, thinking about how heartbreaking that would be for me if this baby decides one day that she has to give the west coast a whirl too…thinking about how quickly the phase of parenthood/childhood that my father is reliving and telling tales of right now slips past you. But, that is life. Wonderful, beautiful, emotional life. All I can do is hug my father when he’s here and try to live one day at a time with my baby girl (when she finally arrives), giving her all the mama love I can while she lives and grows up just down the hall from me. Could I be any more hormonal today?!?!

On a lighter note, I found one of my pre-pregnancy hippie shirts at the bottom of my drawer today…mysteriously tucked in beneath the heap of large, elastic maternity shirts, wondering where its former, slender, hipper roommates have gone. Before I put it in my someday-I-will-fit-into-these-again storage box, I thought I would see if I could get the sucker on….mostly because I miss my free-spirted old style, but also because I thought it would be funny to see my rotund belly peaking out of the slit down the front that used to be sexy….used to display flat abs and low-slung skinny jeans. My how things have changed…