As I mentioned on Friday we heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time last week. Since then, the reality of this baby has been setting in more and more for Alex and I. When we had our first (and only) ultrasound I sort of felt like I was watching someone else’s baby, because the monitor was all the way across the large room rather than right next to me. There is something about hearing the heartbeat though….to hear a heart beating below my belly button, nowhere near my own heart, was insane. The confirmation that there is a life already thriving inside my body was just so powerful. It seemed to have the same effect on my husband who has been feeling more and more excited/emotional about the whole process.

I’m pretty lucky to have a husband who is so involved. Pregnancy can be a very isolating/lonely experience, even when your husband is sitting right next to you. It’s the first time I’ve ever really looked at him and thought/said “you have NO idea what this (being a woman) is all about.” Not that he knew what I was going through when I was curled up in fetal position on account of agonizing menstrual cramps back in the day, but this…..this really clears things up as far as how different the male and female experience are….like woah.

I totally digress though…I am lucky because as different as my experience of life is from my husband’s right now, there is something incredibly bonding about the fact that he has put up with my hormonal insanity and the hot mess that was my first trimester. He finds a way every day to be “involved” somehow, whether it’s massaging my aching back, feeling my belly, asking me to update him on this week’s fetal development milestones, or (his new obsession) reading to the baby so it will recognize his voice and bond more quickly with him when its born.

It really hit me this week: this is the beginning of our family.

I posted the same quote (above) almost a year ago exactly—the difference is this year when I typed the words, I cried. I know I have been talking about pregnancy quite frequently, but that is what consumes me these days. I know I will get back to creating art soon (thus have more to blog about in that area), but I also know that my life and thoughts are shifting right now. That being said, this was a big week. Sure I have struggled to get out of my pajamas and have basically been in bed since Monday, but even so it’s been a big week. 


Alex and I heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time on Wednesday, which was thrilling, awe-inspiring and just plain magical. I wasn’t able to hear it at my last appointment, because the baby was still buried deep within my belly thanks to the somewhat irregular position of my organs at the time. So, I have been waiting for what feels like FOREVER to hear this little bean’s heart go woosh woosh. Alex and I had intended on videotaping that, but we were both in awe once we heard that sound….and forgot. 


Then yesterday I felt the baby move for the first time! Talk about exciting! I was literally reading about fetal movement when I realized that that was what I was feeling. Then I kept poking at my belly to make the baby move again until Alex (hello protective father already!) begged me to stop traumatizing the baby who was probably freaked out by the walls of her/his home caving in. 


The last big event was scheduling my next ultrasound today. Making a phone call and writing a date down in my calendar may not sound like an exciting event, especially since the ultrasound is a month away, but it was because now I know exactly when I will find out if I am carrying a boy or girl. I cannot wait! 

I am 15 weeks today and struggling to write this post. My mind is blank, and that’s my newest pregnancy symptom. The nausea has slowly been replaced by duhhhhhh. It’s really insane and makes putting sentences together quite interesting given my brain just craps out mid-thought or cannot remember the most common, simple words. For instance, I’ll ask my husband if he’s seen that straight, plastic tool I use to get knots and tangles out of my hair (comb) or tell him I need some of those things that keep your feet warm (socks). These are not actual examples, because I have of course forgotten the real examples.

Alex and I also picked up a baby name book (highly recommend this book!) while we were in Vermont and over the course of an afternoon and the car ride home to Massachusetts, we read the entire thing! We have both felt pretty certain that we are having a girl since somewhere around the sixth week so we’ve been focusing on girl’s name. Of course, we know our “feeling” could be wrong, but we’d both be in complete shock if they told us it’s a boy (we’ll be excited either way though). We have settled on a name though (our top choice) with two back-ups, because honestly I don’t know how you can definitively decide before holding your child in your arms. I feel like we’ll “know” then what her (or his) name is. And let me tell you, it’s taken over a year of debating names for Alex and I to agree—yes, we’ve been discussing it for that long:) We are both writers thus very focused on words and meanings, and our child’s name was no exception. Our combined requirements were: family name/association, significant and relevant meaning behind the name, hippie flair to it, some sort of nature association, and of course it has to flow well and sound pretty. Tall task, but we’ve fit it all into the one name we’ve chosen (both boy and girl). The world will have to wait another 25 weeks (I just had to use a calculator to figure that out, damn this pregnancy brain!) to hear it though, because we are keeping it our sweet secret.

I passed the 14 week mark yesterday—I’m still waiting and waiting for the burst of energy everyone has promised will come. As I sit here wondering if this run-down, flu-like state has become permanent, I find myself constantly contemplating the idea of permanency. It is mind-boggling to realize that for the rest of my life I will be a mother. One summer morning I watched as one line became two and I was no longer the “me” I had always been….just like that. Pregnancy certainly prepares you for the colossal transition that is taking place—although temporary, the laundry list of symptoms I’ve experienced have been unequivocally running my life and replacing so many of my old ways of being that I am left feeling like a stranger to myself. The symptoms will fade, I know, but they represent the journey toward motherhood, something that will change me for life.