Category Archives: motherhood

Thirteen months of Emerson

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I guess I’m not quite ready to give up these monthly updates. It just seems that Emerson is changing more rapidly than ever before. I can’t keep up. So, I need a place to slow it down a little…

The past month has probably been the most exciting month yet. Certainly not the easiest….in fact, it’s been one of the toughest. But, the most exciting. We suddenly have this little person living with us—a walking, talking person full of character. After months of only being able to take a few steps, and then walking part-time, crawling part-time, Emerson finally gave up crawling all together.

The day I noticed Emerson was no longer taking breaks from walking by crawling was huge. In an instant, with a pair of new shoes placed on her feet for the first time, she was off and running. And part of me knows, she’ll never return. Not to the place and time when she was in my arms all day. Not to this sacred year (and nine months in utero) that she needed me to carry her. That moment woke me up to the reality that she is her own separate being. As obvious as that may seem, it’s not always so obvious to a mother. It can be difficult to distinguish the line that separates you and your babe when you share a body, or a breast, or a bed with them. But, there comes a day when it’s impossible to ignore. And it’s as thrilling as it is sad to realize. For I get to be an observer, watching my child blossom and create her own Universe. But, I will always want just one more sip of this unparalleled closeness.

But, back to the thrilling parts. Our little full-time walker is so amazingly joyful. I thought she was a happy baby when she learned to crawl, but O.M.G. I’ve never seen such excitement as I have when I set my baby toddler down in a field of grass. Or anyplace outdoors, really. She squeals and screams and toddles every which way until her feet are good and dirty. In fact, the bottom of her feet tell so many stories these days. Full of dirt, grass stuck in between toes=best day of her life.
There is much more than just walking going on around here, though. There is so much communication, and declarations of personality and independence (see her new form of personal expression here). There are new words daily, gestures and hand signals, and an array of facial expressions. Speaking of facial expressions, Emerson has learned how to scowl and it’s not only intense, but frightening. Can you see the sideways scowl?

Emerson has also developed a handy diversion tactic for times when she is caught doing something she is not supposed to. When she gets the “Emerson, what are you doing?” look from one of us, she immediately starts waving at us and saying, “hi, hi, hi!” over and over. As if to distract us with her enthusiastic welcome and cuteness. God help us.

Mostly, we are in awe of the person we created. The more Em develops, the more we are allowed the privilege of getting to know exactly who she is. And who she is is so beautiful that my heart can barely process it.



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Emerson gets dressed

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One of my favorite things about small children is the day they develop an interest in dressing themselves. It’s one of our earliest forms of expression, and oh, so precious—sometimes hilarious, sometimes shocking, but always interesting! I never thought Emerson would develop a love of clothing or her own signature style until she was a bit older, but she has been into the clothes for a few months now. And she has recently begun walking around the house in my clothes. She comes up with a way to “wear” each article and then stops every few minutes to adjust the way she’s wearing it. Her creations are so creative! And tell me you don’t agree that she is flat out posing in each “look!” She seems to think she’s on the runway without even knowing what one is….

I can’t wait to see what kind of getups she wants to wear to school someday…

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TLC for the postpartum brain

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I don’t know about you, but I feel depressed when I focus on the parts of a problem that I cannot control….the parts that are immoveable. When it comes to my physical appearance, though, I have often done just that: focused on things I cannot control. Given that fact, I could have very easily slipped into self-loathing postpartum. I could have gotten lost in the plumpness of my still pregnant-looking belly or the dark line that ran its length, fixated on the wideness of my hip bones that never fully disappeared, longed for the breasts of my former self, obsessed over the millions of new freckles and beauty marks that erupted all over my body during pregnancy, cried over the loss of skin elasticity in various locations, or pitied the fact that my belly button has been forever stretched and reshapened. But, I didn’t. Sure, these issues occur to me at times, but I have chosen to focus on what I can control.

In the first few months postpartum, I can honestly say that the joy (and lovely euphoric hormones!) of new motherhood almost completely shielded me from any negative thoughts about the state of my body. There was no time or reason to focus on my appearance. All I could see was how awesome my body was, because it made a perfect, beautiful little creature. I felt thankful (and still do) that becoming a mother changed the way I view my body and the importance I used to place on my appearance.

Then I arrived at the point in time when my attention began to take short breaks from obsessing over my baby. I began to slowly take stock of what had happened to my body. But, I tried not to ever linger in the mirror, because it can be overwhelming (and paralyzing) to look at the whole picture postpartum. Your entire frame has endured a massive ordeal—a metamorphasis and subsequent deflation in a relatively short period of time. It finally occurred to me that I was never going to look the same again. Maybe close, but never the same “same.”

It’s not just about the weight, though. For me, losing the weight was step one. But step two is a much bigger project: renovations. That’s the phase I have been in for awhile now. And for sanity’s sake, I have chosen to break those renovations down into manageable chunks rather than having the expectation that I can fix it all at once. Because, when I was focused on the entire package, I just wasn’t working out. I mean, who has the time to do cardio, an ab routine, weight train, tone your arms, tighten your butt and thighs, practice yoga, etc. etc. all while mothering a baby?

So, I thought to myself why not pick one thing? Maybe, the one part of your body that bothers you the most….or that you’d most like to show off. Because, sometimes, having one awesome part of your body is a great way to detract attention from the less appealing parts and feel confident about what you do have going on. Age-old female trick, right? So, just one body part. Work on that until you achieve a noticeable difference and then move on to the next. All the while, working in some light cardio so the parts that aren’t being focused on are still getting a little attention. For me, this has been a great way to ease into exercising postpartum while keeping myself motivated instead of giving up because it’s too much work.

To that end, I will share the workout I am currently loving (and focusing on) tomorrow. Check back then!

Did you miss my earlier health & fitness posts?
5 ways to lose the baby weight without trying
My go-to meal: fueling a healthy, fit pregnancy and losing the baby weight

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My go-to meal: fueling a healthy pregnancy, and losing the baby weight

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I am obsessed with food. Healthy food, that is. If you were a fly on the wall of my life, you would often hear my husband asking, “I’m eating a banana! What kind of vitamins and minerals am I ingesting? Hey, hon, what can I eat to get rid of this cold faster? Baby, do you want a lot of kale or a little kale with your dinner? Is that organic/in season/dairy-free/gluten-free/sugar-free/from the farmer’s market?”

Yes, I think about, read about, and talk about food a lot. It’s the number one way I take care of myself. So, naturally, I was very interested obsessed with eating right during pregnancy. I wanted to provide the best nutrition possible for my baby while giving my own body what it needed to remain healthy and fit. And I found that, after giving birth, my goals were pretty much the same. I was still growing my baby by fueling her little body with breast milk and I still wanted to support my body so it could heal and recover from pregnancy without adding to the baby weight. The easiest way to accomplish these goals is to eat nutrient-dense meals (or snacks), more often. This means eating meals that pack a good variety of the vitamins and minerals your body needs into one dish. I find that I am left feeling much more satisfied (and with much fewer cravings for not-so-healthy food) when I eat this way.

I have a few go-to meals that I eat in rotation, but the “Big Salad,” as I so dubbed it during pregnancy, is one that never fails. I feel so nourished and satisfied afterwards, almost as if I can feel the nutrients going to work in my body. It’s tasty, filling and so very nutritious. The protein from the eggs and hummus will fill you up, the whole grains from the brown rice bread will give you some fuel/energy without feeling heavy, and the healthy fats from the olive oil and avocado will satisfy cravings (cravings are usually your body’s way of asking for something….it just takes a little bit of detective work to figure out what that is).

All the “fat” in this meal might make you nervous. Personally, I swear by healthy fats. They are rich in omegas, good for your heart, fight fatigue, improve your overall health, and can actually help you control your weight. Healthy fats are one of my secrets! My diet is high in healthy fat and virtually devoid of unhealthy saturated fats. Let’s not fail to mention that this way of eating also benefits a growing fetus or growing baby (through breast milk) enormously!

So, here is my recipe for “Big Salad,” including the health benefits of each ingredient (click links for full nutritional information):

Alexa’s Big Salad

2-3 cups mixed dark, leafy greens salad mix (I prefer Olivia’s Spring Mix)
*high in Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, and iron

1 cup baby spinach
*high in Vitamin A, Vitamin K, Manganese, Magnesium, Calcium, Vitamin C, Iron, Folic Acid, Fiber, B Vitamins, on the “12 best foods to eat during pregnancy” list

1-2 large carrots, peeled and diced
*high in Vitamin A, Vitamin K, Fiber, Vitamin C, on the “12 best foods to eat during pregnancy” list

6-8 grape tomatoes, halved
*high in Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Lycopene 

1/2 an avocado, chopped
*high in Folic acid, Vitamin C, Vitamin B6, Potassium, Omegas, on the “12 best foods to eat during pregnancy” list

2 hardboiled Omega/DHA-enhanced eggs, chopped
*high in Protein, Omegas, B Vitamins, Choline (research indicates Choline can help prevent miscarriage in addition to its many other health benefits), on the “12 best foods to eat during pregnancy” list

2-4 tablespoons hummus
*high in protein, Folic Acid, Fiber, Manganese

Olive oil, to taste

Balsamic Vinegar, to taste

Salt and pepper, to taste

Gluten-free brown rice toast with Coconut Spread, on the side

Directions:

Mix all ingredients, salad mix through avocado in a bowl with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper. Top with hardboiled eggs and hummus. Serve toast on the side.

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5 ways to lose the baby weight without trying

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I have always been an active person. Constantly moving my body (and burning calories). But, my body responded to pregnancy and postpartum by shutting down. On the one hand, I felt healthier than ever because it was a time of supreme nutrition as I obsessed over growing the healthiest baby possible. But, I had the urge to be sedentary. I went from a life of constant motion and craving exercise (to feel vital, energized and sane) to a life of napping and sitting on the couch all day. I would get dizzy, see stars, lose feeling in my limbs, and generally just felt overwhelmingly weakened when on my feet. Thus the extent of my exercise regimen during pregnancy included taking slow walks. I listened to my body and inner wisdom and rested. I knew that was what my body needed in order to support a healthy pregnancy. If you listen closely, your body will always tell you what it needs….and that is the starting point for health. Listen.

I hoped that my need for a relatively sedentary life would end abruptly as I pushed my child out of my body. But, it did not. My recovery from childbirth was very slow. My body would loudly protest at the slightest hint of movement. I would suffer complications from simply climbing a set of stairs. At times, I would push myself and resist my body’s wisdom by going for long hikes with my baby strapped to my chest. And things would get even worse. So, I rested. For nearly four months, I rested. While eating ice cream daily. And, as I mentioned yesterday, wearing maternity clothes.Eventually, I reached a point when I was finally able to move again (it felt like an eternity!). True exercise, such as jogging, was still too painful, but I simply began to move. And the ways I began to move led to some significant weight loss. This may not be a cure-all for the postpartum body, but by adopting a more active life, you can make a difference. You can tighten and tone, lose weight and feel better while simultaneously entertaining or soothing your child.

**A word of caution: Please remember, it’s very important to start slow after giving birth. Wait the customary 6-12 weeks to allow your body to heal. Give yourself time. And don’t expect your body to be capable of doing what it did pre-pregnancy just because you’re no longer carrying a child. Your body has gone through an enormous ordeal. Respect your vessel.

5 ways to lose the baby weight without trying:

1. Wear your baby– I mentioned some of the many benefits of baby wearing here. But, wearing your baby doesn’t just benefit the baby. It’s a great way to strengthen your back and legs, and tone your abs and glutes. If you start wearing your baby from birth (or as soon as your body has healed enough), your muscles will grow with the weight of your child allowing you to continue carrying your child for many years without strain, all while toning your body. I have been wearing my baby for a minimum of four hours a day (up to 6+ hours a day) from the time my body had healed from childbirth until today. In fact, I am currently writing this with a 20 lb. passenger on my chest. Four hours may seem like a lot, and you can certainly enjoy the benefits by doing less, but it adds up quickly when you go about the business of your life or allow your child to nap on you.

Bonus tip: Wearing your child while going about your every day life does a body good. But, to take it up a notch, try wearing your baby while taking a walk or hike outdoors. Can’t get outside? Wearing your baby while cleaning the house will also make you sweat. I attribute much of my weight loss to vacuuming and cleaning a two-story home while baby wearing. All the lifting, trips up the stairs, and constant movement is a workout! Meanwhile, your baby is content and you are being productive. Win. Or, go a more traditional route and try doing some squats or lunges while wearing your baby.

Caution: It’s important to know how to properly use your baby carrier to prevent injury to your body. If you do it safely and ergonomically, you should not be in pain. And please, do not attempt cardio or weight training while wearing your baby.

2. Bounce on an exercise ball– I attribute the current shape of my abs to a billion hours spent bouncing on an exercise ball to soothe my baby. I mentioned the magic of bouncing here. Like baby wearing, it’s not just magic for the baby, but also for your body! Comfort, soothe, and help your baby to sleep by bouncing on a ball instead of rocking in a chair and tone your body at the same time! When I first began bouncing on the ball with Emerson a few weeks postpartum, I could feel the burn in my back, abs, and legs. Fast forward twelve months and I am still bouncing my baby on the ball, but it feels easy because my muscles have developed so strongly. Another added benefit: my posture has improved greatly (I even get comments on this!).

Bonus tip: Use the ball to play! Sometimes I will hold Emerson and play “bouncy baby.” This involves holding her tight against my body and bouncing as high as I can while sitting on the ball (all while singing bouncy, bouncy, bouncy baaaaby….of course). You will feel the burn.

3. Be a tour guide– From the time Emerson was born, we wanted to show her the world. We would walk her all over the house, narrating what we saw. As she grew, she loved this activity more and more. Whether we’re stuck inside because of the weather or we’re exploring the neighborhood, there is always so much to see when looking through the eyes of a baby. This may sound like a simple activity, but it can add hundreds of steps to your day. We’ve all heard how adding steps to your day can benefit your health. That’s because all those steps add up! For roughly every 2,000 steps you add to your day, you have walked a mile. So, put one foot in front of the other!

Bonus tip: Take a tour around your neighborhood instead of just the house or yard. You can easily add thousands, rather than hundreds, of steps this way.

4. Play with your child– Your child will love it, your body will love it! Get down on the floor and crawl around. A mobile child will “chase” after you. Give your shoulders, arms and back a workout by raising or safely throwing your child up into the air (try bouncing a smaller baby up and down like you are doing bicep curls….Emerson loved this as a newborn!). Roll around, jump like a frog, be silly. And the older your baby gets, the more strenuous playtime will be!

Bonus tip: This qualifies as real exercise, but you can “play” by incorporating your child into a strengthening routine. Use your baby in place of weights for bicep curls, chest presses, and shoulder presses. Hold your baby while you lunge, squat, or plié. Sit your baby on your belly as you do crunches. She will probably giggle the whole time.

5. Dance– Do you remember when you were in college and you would leave a bar drenched in sweat after a night of dancing? I do! I also remember the soreness I felt in my muscles the next morning. That’s because dancing is a great workout and burns a ton of calories. And, it’s fun! It didn’t feel like work to dance with my friends at a bar when I was young, and it doesn’t feel like work to dance in my living room with my child now. This suggestion has the added benefit of putting you in a really good mood, too! Oftentimes when I am having a stressful day as a mother or I’m feeling a bit blue, I will turn on some upbeat music and dance with Emerson. In no time, I am smiling and feeling better. Plus, babies love music, and they love to dance.

Bonus tip: Dance with your baby. As in, hold your baby in your arms while dancing to an upbeat song. Try incorporating your baby into your dance moves by raising them up into the air or holding them straight out in front of you and rocking them side to side. This used to be easy with a newborn, but these days I am wiped after just one song when dancing with my 20 lb. child. I can feel the calories melting off!

***

That’s it, folks! Simple ideas that can give you big results! Check in tomorrow for my go-to meal for fueling a healthy, fit pregnancy and losing the baby weight.

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Health and fitness week

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For most of my adult life, I have been active and fit. I was raised to pay attention to what I was putting in my mouth, to live as naturally as possible, to exercise and take care of my body. And all of those lessons stuck. At first, they were just seeds. But, as I journeyed deeper into adulthood, my interest in health, fitness and nutrition (with an emphasis on natural living) expanded and grew into passion. And then, after moving to health-concsious San Francisco in my mid-twenties that passion became borderline obsession.

So, given my obsession, I assumed that getting back into shape after giving birth would be a priority. I thought I would want to exercise. But, while I was still very focused on nutrition for the sake of healing and providing my baby with grade A breast milk, exercise was one of the farthest things from my mind. Instead, I found myself lost in babyland—the amazingly exciting, chaotic, overwhelming space and time that occurs when you bring a new little being into your home. For me, though, that newborn haze seemed to extend outward and consume much of my first YEAR as a mother. There were the complications I suffered as a result of childbirth. But, mostly I was always too tired to exercise regularly. I didn’t have time. And I didn’t want to miss anything at home.

But, I did gain weight during pregnancy. Obviously. We all have baby weight after giving birth, regardless of our pre-pregnancy shape. So, after the initial shedding of tissue, bodily fluids….oh, and a HUMAN BABY from my body, I had weight that sat on me without budging like any normal woman. Still, I didn’t have the time (or inclination) to employ a full-on workout program. Instead, I continued to wear maternity clothes and eat enormous bowls of ice cream every day. I’ll worry about that later, I thought.And then, around five months postpartum, the weight started coming off little by little, though I still hadn’t started a regular exercise routine. But, what was I doing differently?

To learn the answer to that question, check back this week! That’s right, I’ll be talking health and fitness all week. Though this is a topic I have never broached here before, in real life, friends, relatives, and even strangers have been coming to me for advice and suggestions in these areas for the better part of the last decade. So, it occurred to me that I might have something to share.

I will preface this all by saying I am not an expert nor am I a dietician, nutritionist, personal trainer or doctor. But, I am passionate about health and fitness…..and I live it.

Up this week….

Tuesday- 5 ways to lose the baby weight without trying
Wednesday- My Go-to Meal: fueling a healthy, fit pregnancy and losing the baby weight
Thursday- A little TLC for the postpartum brain
Friday- The workout I’m currently loving

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New buddies

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We’ve had a handful of stuffed animals lying around since Emerson was born. She has never been interested in any of them, though, save for the occasional play session with the ABC dog we (begrudgingly) inherited from her cousin. But, all of a sudden a couple of weeks ago, Emerson began falling in love with any animal or doll-type friend we put in her vicinity. Now she hugs them, plays with them, lies down on the floor and cuddles with them, and carries them around the house where ever she goes. She lights up with complete joy and begins laughing and clapping when she sees them. I’m telling you, it’s love.

All of this means that we now have extra company at the dinner table, in the car, on the changing table. Very often, Emerson will also refuse to eat unless her doggie is sitting with her….and singing. The minute the song loop on doggie ends, Emerson shuts her mouth and turns her head. The minute we hit the button and make it sing again, Emerson opens her mouth wide. Sigh…

Mostly, Emerson’s tightness with her new buds is pretty adorable. Yes, sometimes it’s difficult to do everything with an extra “baby” in tow. But, it’s so heart-warming to watch your child “love” other things and people….to see her giving out all of the love you worked so hard to put in. And right now, Emerson really wants to share this experience with me. It’s not so much about her being like sorry mom, I have my own life now, I’m gonna hang with doggie and dolly. No. It’s more like Emerson handing me her buddies after she’s done hugging them so I can see how awesome they are and hug them too. She loves to watch me cradle baby doll or pat teddy’s back when he gets hurt. She knows I will take care of them. She knows that if they are important to her, they are important to me. She knows. After twelve months of devoting myself to building a strong, loving foundation to my child’s being, I am beginning to catch glimpses of the result of all that effort. My baby has faith in my mothering…..she knows how to love, because she’s watched me love her.

Of course, it won’t always be this way. Emerson will soon grow attached to real, live buddies. And she won’t want to share that experience with me. Instead, she will tear across a playground, away from me, at the sight of her future buddies. They will be the bee’s knees and I will be….mom. This thought is so hard to accept, but it also presents itself as an opportunity. An opportunity to instill gentleness and kindness into my child. To love her, play with her, and share with her so she will do the same with others. To show her how to create relationships that will enrich her life and put a smile on her face. Because, I may be her Universe right now, but I want more than anything for her to go out into the world with an ever-widening support system that will hold her, encourage her and keep her company. These “buddies” are a first step…

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What not to wear

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I am pretty sick of wearing loungewear (aka, my uniform) right now. Except when I have somewhere to go. Because then, I am reminded of what it feels like to experience a good old fashioned wardrobe crisis. You know, those mornings when even your favorite outfit suddenly looks unflattering. Everything you put on is just wrong. You hate all the clothes in your closet and drawers. You try on outfit after outfit, as the pile on your bed grows taller and taller with rejects. And then you start running out of time. You have to leave the house. But, you’re still stomping around your room in your underwear surrounded by a mess.
Then, you experience one of those moments with a baby at your feet. And what used to feel like a silly little tantrum begins to mean more. I don’t know whether to feel better or worse when Emerson runs out of patience and cries to be picked up while I hurl shirts and pants in every direction. For it could be a reminder of what’s really important….it could refocus my energy on things (or persons!) that really matter. Or, it could be a reminder that I don’t have the luxury of caring about my appearance most days (which is really only a symbol for the gluttonous freedom I traded in to be a mother).
But, there’s more. There is the fact that my wardrobe consists of eight different sizes now. And those pre-pregnancy jeans would look great with that two-months-postpartum shirt. But, that shirt really needs a nude bra and I only have one in my third trimester cup size. And, it doesn’t matter anyway, because all three of those items are the wrong size and don’t flatter my current body. And it’s warm out today so I need short sleeves….but none of my clean tee shirts are breastfeeding-friendly. And WHY AM I STILL NAKED?! I’ve been out of the shower for 30 minutes!
“Just put something on,” suggests my husband.
“BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! How could you? I have nothing to wear!”

via
And I suddenly realize that I am a mom. Now I’m having an existential crisis (still undressed). How can I wear any of this? How do I reconcile the fact that my closets and drawers are filled with either fancy business clothes or the free-spirited hippie wear of my youth while I am currently approaching my mid-thirites, working from home, and a mom? What would an appropriate wardrobe even look like?!”I’m just a mom now, aren’t I? Does this mean I have to wear one-piece bathing suits?” I ask my husband.

“Yes,” he replies.

“Is that depressing?”

“I actually find you more attractive this way. The more matronly, the better.”

“What? But, can’t I be a MILF?”

“Why do you want teenage boys lusting after you?”

“Well, I don’t. I just want to be a MILF to you.”

“You already are.”

Trying to be this new person, in this new role, is at the same time very natural and very confusing. It’s like when I was trying to put together an outfit for Em’s birthday party. I narrowed down my choices to two dresses based on the following criteria: does it fit my current body? And, can I say that I don’t look like I’m either trying to take someone home from a college bar or going to a corporate luncheon?

“I am going to try on these dresses for you, and I need you to tell me if they are flattering,” I asked my husband.

“That sounds dangerous. I don’t like where this is going…” he said.

“I didn’t say ‘tell me if I look fat or ugly.’ It’s just about the piece of clothing. Just be honest.”

Reactions…Dress one: boxy tee shirt dress I bought a month ago. Blank stare. Eyebrows raised as if confused. Hands up in the air with nothing to say. Dress two: structured spaghetti strap sundress I bought when I was 21 years old. Blank stare. Eyebrows raised at my bust line. Put long cardigan over dress. Hands up in the air, afraid to speak.

“So, should I go with ‘shapeless mom’ or ‘sexy librarian?‘”

“Sexy librarian. Shapeless mom’s dress is too short.”

***

Of course, I know I can wear a short dress if I want to. Or rock a bikini. But, that’s not the point. The point is, I don’t know if I want to anymore. And to be honest, it’s kind of relieving to no longer feel like that is expected of me. Even more so, to realize that maybe it never was. You see, pregnancy forever changed my body, but motherhood. Motherhood has forever changed the way I view my body. I can’t wear the old clothes that make me feel like I am trying too hard when I simply want to feel comfortable in exactly who I am.

 

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To all the mothers

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If there is one thing mothers have a surplus of, it’s unsolicited advice. You know, the “advice” that never ceases to pour in from every angle….the masked (or not-so-masked) criticism and judgment. Backseat parenting—that’s what I like to call it. It goes a little something like….

Your child isn’t eating solid food yet? Why don’t you bottle feed her? She really needs to get used to strangers. She shouldn’t cry like that. You need to let her cry it out! Toughen her up! Why is she always in that sling? You need to put her down. Why are you still breastfeeding? She doesn’t want breast milk. She doesn’t like being carried. She isn’t tired right now. She wants to stay up later. She’s too dependent on you. You’re too overprotective. You’re doing. it. all. wrong! 

***  

I’ve spent the better portion of the past year wondering why this happens. Why we aren’t being encouraged, complimented, and supported. Why mothers are the constant receivers of inappropriate comments and critiques. Why so many people are trying to predict the (possibly doomed) future our kids are headed for if we don’t heed all this advice.

Here’s the thing—children unite us. They are the glue to a family. For instance, I automatically feel more related and bonded to my husband now that we have a child. And I feel more related to all of my in-laws knowing that my baby shares a chunk of DNA with each of them. And my own family. Etc. Etc. But, all of that oneness can lead to….dun dun dun….unsolicited advice. Because, your whole family feels invested in your child. This is just the beginning, though. This oneness stretches past your family, out into the world, in a way that causes masses of people to feel invested in your child. I’m only assuming this is what fuels a complete stranger’s confidence in approaching you to comment on your parenting….and of course, also touch your baby.

Oneness is great. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a ‘one love’ kind of gal. But, what all of us mothers don’t need is more advice. More comments. More criticisms. What we don’t need is everyone around us insisting they have the answers we need. This doesn’t feel like love or help. It feels like an invasion of the intimate relationship between mother and child.

Here is what we do need: to be nurtured. Supported. Encouraged. Appreciated. Loved. So…

To all the mothers,

You are doing a great job. It is awe-inspiring to watch you give and sacrifice until you are empty and exhausted. Only a mother could do that. And what a mother you are! Your transformation from individual to mama bear has been so beautiful to watch. You’ve been so selfless, so inspiring, so strong. I don’t know how you do it! But, it’s quite evident that you would do anything for your offspring…that everything you do is for them. I know you have spent so very many hours and days and years devoted to making well-thought-out decisions on how to best care for your child. I know you always do what you believe is best and right for your child. And, I also know that you have all the answers you need…because you are your child’s mother. 

Listen to your own voice, your own intuition, your own heart. No one else has the wisdom that you do. No book or relative or friend or baby expert can ever replace that. Did I mention you are doing a great job? Because, you are doing a great job! It’s beautiful to watch, really. And, by the way, your struggles and emotions and experience….those are all completely normal. And to be expected. You are not alone in them. Being a mother is HARD. It is never-ending, sometimes thankless, exhausting, and even a little scary. You are a beautiful solider. Your experience is valid. 

And your child—idiosyncrasies and challenges included—is perfectly normal. So, if someone else is leading you to believe that your child is the only one who isn’t sleeping or cries in the car, they are either lying or just don’t know what they are talking about. And if you think you are a bad mother because that same (normal) child makes you want to cry, scream or hide at times….you are not. No. Also normal. You are a wonderful mother and your child is lucky to have you. 

Keep going! Drown out all the other voices that claim to “know.” They don’t know. Nobody knows your child like you do. Nobody knows how to love them like you do. Feel confident that you are doing your best and your best is amazing. Yes, YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB! Congratulate yourself for giving and surviving, and feel good about all you’ve done.

Light and love, sisters!

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This is our life: Our first break from parenting

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We hired some help recently. Just a little help. So I can have a mere hour or two a week to actually get things done, work on my career, or maybe just sit in an empty room doing nothing. Because, after a year of being with Emerson every waking (and non-waking) moment of my life without even one day (or night!) off…..sister needs. some. help. And so, I asked an amazing high school girl I met a few months ago to help us out.

But then, the day arrived. For the first time EVER, I was off the clock. And Alex came home early from work. So, we were both off the clock. The problem was we had no idea what to do with it. Emerson—who usually will not let me leave her alone with anyone other than Alex—suddenly didn’t need me. She was totally in love with her new friend and didn’t even notice, let alone cry, when I left the room. I was astonished and suddenly found myself wandering around the house, feeling nervous and confused, not knowing what to do.

But then I bumped into Alex in the living room and felt a spark of excitement. “We are alone in a room without a baby!” I said, expecting to be met with equal excitement. But, my husband just looked up the staircase to the bedroom, and said he wanted to take a nap.

“A nap?! But, we’re alone in a room. Isn’t this what we’ve been missing the past year? What about all the months you’ve spent feeling lonely, because I’m always with Emerson?”

“Yah…..I guess you’re right. What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. Maybe we could just sit on the couch and talk. Or cuddle? We never get to do that!”

And so, we sat down together, but it felt strange. No one was interrupting us. No one tried to tackle us apart when we cuddled. Was Emerson okay? What was she doing right now? No. Push it out of your mind. Enjoy this moment. Talk about something interesting. Make out. Come on…

We tried.

The thing is, in the absence of our baby, we felt free. But, we were not free in the way we used to be. No. Now, freedom meant not having to find our second, third, fourth or fifth wind of the day. Freedom meant not having to ignore our needs and aches for the well-being of another. Freedom meant abruptly feeling the weight of an entire year tending to our child come crashing down on us. And so, after five minutes of talking about Emerson, the room began to spin. All that cuddling on a soft, comfortable couch was too much for us—we were just two exhausted parents.

“Just go take a nap, baby. That’s really all you’re capable of right now.”

Alex rolled off the couch and dragged himself up the staircase as I sat in the living room comatose…until I was needed again.

This is our life.

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