I used to wear toe rings and green eye shadow, snakeskin print mini skirts and no bra. I used to kiss boys I hardly knew and make friends in bars. I was obsessed with having a tan, devoured girly magazines weekly, and spent a small fortune on beauty products. There were late night pizzas and waffles with bananas while coming down from intoxication, guitar sessions and painting for hours in my underwear. I took risks then, big ones. Because, I could. Because, there was always the option of taking a new risk if this one didn’t pan out.

Time felt unending. Dreams felt entirely possible. Romance was alive. Adventure called.

I was free.

And, I didn’t feel all that different with each passing birthday. I was always young, and there was always time.

I never knew exactly where I was headed, but that was okay. That was what made life so fun. Now, that is what makes life so stressful. There is still so much to do, so much to plan for, so many dreams unrealized….yet there doesn’t seem to be enough time. All those “somedays” that I put off have becomes NOWS. What about that career, those children, that house in the suburbs….those problems I thought would be more than solved at this point?

***

I feel distinctly older this year, and that is, perhaps, because becoming a mother ages you overnight. Regardless, I suddenly find myself remembering that girl who listened to music on a discman all over the Spanish countryside, the girl who was up for a party even on a school night, the girl who was thrilled by a new tapestry, buddha statue or $3 flip flops in bold colors. Because, that girl was so fearless, vivacious, and took risks like they were risk-free.

The thing is, it’s not that I want to go back in time (no, thank you!) or that I like that girl more than the woman I am today (also, no). But, as I stand here, a thirty-three year old mother of one, actively pursuing my dreams and trying to make solid life decisions, I admire my younger self. Of course, I’d need to sift out her reckless tendencies, but, looking back, I still feel awed by her audacity, and ability to make enormous changes in her life so easily.

I find myself suddenly trying to reconcile that girl with this woman. I’m hoping there is some magical combination of stellar decision-making, confidence, fearlessness, and wisdom awaiting me this year…