Sometimes I feel like I’m living a secret life, which is ironic given I write a tell-all blog. But, I don’t talk about that in my real life. I don’t explain to people that I spend most of my free moments writing, brainstorming, researching, or learning how to build a website. I don’t tell anyone how passionate I am about this blog….how alive and fulfilled I feel every time I hit publish….the big dreams I have inside me. I don’t admit that I have a plan, a path that I am already walking, a life I have envisioned that I completely believe will come to me.
I’m just a stay-at-home mom, right? There are plenty of people who may think so, but I’m not. Not in my mind. Yet, I don’t step in defensively when the subject comes up.
Because, my dreams are too important and in pursuing them, I am at times, too fragile. I guess I’ve been protecting those dreams by keeping quiet in real life and then pretending like what I’m doing is not a big deal in my online life. But, the truth is, this is a big deal (to me). This blog is my passion, my therapy, my sustenance….the beginnings of a career. I started this blog not knowing where it would take me, but believing very deeply that if I just kept writing I would be led.
But, here’s the thing. While I am very good at taking risks and walking unconventional paths, I am not very good at being an amateur. I set such high standards for myself that I become frustrated and give up too quickly. Yes, I am an expert in the field of self-defeating practices—I believe I am capable of doing something, but I expect it to happen overnight. I feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed by the growing pains phase that I try to somehow sidestep it. And even after racking up a pile of achievements, promotions, and/or compliments, I doubt myself and BOLT. Over and over, I have done this in my life.
Yet, I have continued to write this blog. This is the one thing I haven’t given up on…and that has to mean something. That simple realization hit me last night and renewed my faith in this path. Because, that is what this blog is: a testament to my faith in this path I am being led down. And by continuing to write through my many identity crisis’, periods of self-doubt, and the periodic urge to give up and forget the whole thing, I have learned not only how to overcome those obstacles, but how to overcome myself.
So, while the world may still see me as a stay-at-home mom, I know the truth. I know that I was back to writing several hours every day only four days after giving birth. I know that through all of my sleep-deprivation and the overwhelming responsibility of raising a baby with little to no help the past year, I have still managed to keep this thing going. I know that I feel more successful now, writing a blog in my sweatpants while my baby sleeps on me, than I did when I commuted on trains and ferries with a business card in the pocket of my Armani blazer. It’s like I read in the very book that inspired me to start living the life I am living now (This time I dance!): “Success is as much a singular affair as falling in love. That’s why you can’t tell by looking at how well someone’s done exactly how well he or she has done. Only the soul knows. Only the soul glows.”
I may not have reached “professional” writer status yet. But, my soul glows.