Emerson turned eleven-months-old on Friday. ONLY ONE MORE MONTH OF BEING THE MOTHER TO A 0-YEAR-OLD. How did this happen?! The past year was the fastest year of my life—a blur of labor pains and first kisses, nursing a total of one zillion hours and changing a total of one zillion diapers, cuddles and maturing cries, so many firsts followed by so many lasts, laughing and dancing, family hugs and a family bed, vacations and milestones. It was the most significant year of my life and I barely ever left the house or changed out of my yoga pants.

I am so excited to be exactly where I am with Emerson right now—her personality, her quirks, her abilities and limitations, her developmental stage. Yet. I want to hold on so tightly to everything that came before today. I don’t want it to disappear into the abyss of “so long ago I can’t quite remember the details.” I want to somehow figure out how to live in the past, present and future simultaneously.

So much is changing around here. And that’s the exciting part. Emerson seems to develop new skills and her face seems to change in appearance every day now. She is fascinated with how things work, and intense in her field work on the subject. She’s been playing with our large supply of spice jars for months, mostly just pulling them all out of the cabinet, chewing on them, and hiding them in various secret locations throughout the kitchen. But, a few weeks ago she sat on the floor for forty-five minutes until she mastered unscrewing the lid and then screwing it back on. That might not alarm anyone else, but as her mama, it blew my mind. How can a baby unscrew a lid?! Needless to say, I had to put a child lock on the spice cabinet shortly thereafter. Bottle of bright yellow turmeric one, previously white infant-sized sweatshirt, zero.

Emerson is also very interested in where things go. She spends most of her day opening and closing drawers, pulling out the contents, putting the contents back in, finding new locations for the contents, etc. My bedroom floor is a constant disaster now as she delights in emptying all of my clothing drawers. She also enjoys an empty drawer (or box or cabinet or shelf) as a place to climb inside and sit, or to use as a booster to climb up a piece of furniture. Bookcases are also good. In her world, they are simply ladders to climb.

She can also unpack a box of tissues in under three minutes.

Emerson also seems very interested in all things “girly” at the moment. In many ways she is very rough and tumble so it seems quite possible that we have a tomboy on our hands. But, she also spends all her time with me (and apparently I am quite girly). She loves to watch me do my hair, and will pretend to do her own. And she just recently became obsessed with pulling my hair elastics out of my hair and trying to put them back in, which she obviously cannot, so she eventually ends up hanging them on my ears or nose.

Emerson has been taking steps, but seems to be in no hurry to master walking. She took a few steps a couple months back, and then seemed upset by it and became very clingy. She wasn’t ready, so she stopped. But, she’s back to taking a step or two at a time a few times a day. Still, it seems like she’s taking her time and not anywhere close to running laps around the house (thank goodness!).

We took Emerson to a children’s museum a few weeks back and she was very interested in the older kids, mainly the older boys. She doesn’t see much of the male gender, old or young, in her daily life. So, she was fascinated by how boisterous and physical the crowd of boys were in the museum’s “building room.” She sat observing them for a little while, then couldn’t see why she couldn’t join them.

I’ve been waiting for spring (aka: life) to arrive so I can get outside and snap some portraits of Emerson. I’ve obviously taken a zillion pictures of her this past year, but I’ve only attempted to set up an actual photo shoot with her twice (semi-newborn and Christmas). Given my obsession with photography, and the rate at which I used to photograph other people’s children when I myself was childless….well, I’m just plain shocked that I haven’t done more “styling.” Of course, I totally understand why I haven’t: I am a mother, a work-at-home mother. When do I have the time? As much as I get that I just haven’t had the time or energy to photog it up with Emerson, it still makes me (so painfully) sad, because photogging is what I do! My only solace is that the other thing I do is write, and I can definitely say that I’ve been writing up a storm this past year. Maybe not as much as I’d like, but an impressive amount (in my opinion) given how little time I have.

At any rate, I am sad for the lack of styled photo shoots, which is why I am going to try my hardest to get it done for Emerson’s first birthday. (Fingers crossed that spring arrives in time/it’s not raining all month/the stars align!!) But, there’s one thing I’m more sad about: the lack of pictures of ME with my baby….and Alex with his baby….and the three of us who make up this family together (so easy to forget to ever get behind the lens when your focus is always on the baby)! We have yet to have a family picture taken, not even a non-professional one. That’s depressing. I guess that’s part of the reason I’ve been collecting images on Pinterest. Here are some mother/child shots that so inspire me (and make me a little jealous)…

So, number one. Yes, I often always write about the conflicting emotions that are part and parcel with motherhood—that unrestrained joy/overwhelming mournfulness combo that plagues most mamas. The simultaneous cheek massage (on account of all the smiling) and tissue box conundrum, as it were. It’s in the air most days, but there are obviously times when it’s especially potent. Major milestones, for sure. But, the day that your child is no longer measured by days, weeks, or months…..I can’t even. I’ve still got about six weeks left with a 0-year-old and I’m already getting dramatic.

I’m just waiting for the day that Emerson grows a full head of hair, talks to me in real words, then gets up and runs across the room. It feels like that will all happen in an instant, and then she’ll be gone. I can’t help but already dread the day she moves out of our house….and I don’t want to share her with the world, damn it! I mean, I’m not supposed to say that. And I don’t really mean it. But, sometimes I do. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel selfish and impractical and overprotective. Because, that’s my baby, world! I grew her, and held her in my belly for nine months. I felt connected to her—body, mind, and soul. I birthed her. My muscles, my strength, my love, pushed her out into the open. I was the beginning of her life. And she has not strayed from my body for more than an hour or two since then. So, how can I imagine a day when our lives are running parallel instead of completely intertwined? Right now, it’s simply impossible and anxiety-provoking to consider.

But, I will share her with the world. Of course. In fact, it’s already one of my biggest joys. I feel so fulfilled and ecstatic when I watch her interact with family, friends, and other mamas and babies at our groups and classes. And to see how she is received by them….just amazing. It’s so comforting to watch a support system/community/safety net grow around her…to watch people fall in love with her. So, I’m glad the world is there to receive her, but I will forever hold tightly (in spirit) that 8-pound newborn with her enormous cheeks, curious eyes and heart-melting coos. How can I ever let her go?

And then there’s number two. Is it just me, or do all moms feel this pressure to throw well-styled, extravagant (as far as effort and detail…or money) parties? I am not a party thrower. Other than the occasional small dinner party, it’s not really in my constitution. But, more importantly, it’s not something I have the time/energy/desire to take on these days given I am the primary care provider for my child. We don’t have family nearby, we don’t have a babysitter, or a nanny, or daycare. And my husband is out of the house most hours that Emerson is awake. So, it’s me. All me. When do I have time to sit and craft/cook/shop/decorate the day away in preparation for a Pinterst-y party? Pretty much never, folks.

Yet I am bombarded with pictures in my FB newsfeeds of elaborate children’s parties my “friends” have thrown, and an insane amount of info out there on the inter-webs when searching for just a few, simple ideas. Pinterest, for instance, can really make a person feel like they are totally failing at life. Like it should be no problem to make a fantastic spread of food and desserts from scratch, sew party clothes for the entire family, make all the decorations and invitations and favors by hand, and have a pristine house on party day thanks to the slew of 30-point “how to perfectly clean your entire house” lists you have pinned. And, of course, make all of the above really cute and creative and just pure genius. Maybe I had the time for that when I was childless, and maybe I will again in the future, but as the mother of an almost-one-year old without any help, I say, “back off, internet.”

For some reason, though, just knowing all these Pinterest-y ideas exist makes it impossible for me to ignore them. I so want to ignore them, I so want to keep it simple. But, I’m drawn to create and as obnoxious as I find all the party planning boards out there, I am also inspired by them. Because, those cakes and handmade decorations are beautiful. But, I hate them. But, they exist. And they are beautiful. Sigh.

So, I am throwing a party for Emerson. And, I will somehow, someway, probably put way more effort into it than need be. Because, I can’t deny that it feels like a MAJOR milestone for me. For us, as a family. And as crazy as throwing a party is going to make me, I count myself blessed for having extended family that wouldn’t dream of missing Emerson’s first birthday.

Here’s hoping I make it through the next six weeks without an anxiety attack! What will send me over the edge first: my baby turning one, or throwing a party for our entire family?